Sta.sh
Vertigo,
To feel unbalanced,
dizzy.
That feeling in the pit of your stomach that feels like the gravity around you flipped.
The feeling of going up and down a roller coaster.
Except...
You're not on one.
I am not on one,
I am here.
Standing,
breathing,
but dying...
Words eneter my mind,
and as I listen,
and have them enter,
my mind stops.
My brain starts to rot,
like a poison,
these words that I hear,
enter my mind and I slowly die...
Tears consume my eyes,
Sadness builds up inside me.
Would there ever be another moment where I thought that death was something that I wished happened to me?
Probably.
But as the tears fell,
my sadness went with them,
Until I was left with nothing.
Hollow,
Empty,
A shell left behind after all the feelings of my body left through my tears.
Leaving me there to waste away.
I was dying,
on the inside,
and as I tried to catch my breath,
as I tried to breathe,
I remembered everything.
All that you gave me.
A jacket,
toys,
friendship,
and memories...
sealed with a kiss.
Right when I thought I couldn't bear anymore suffering,
my true nightmare began.
I realized,
that I,
was still,
alive...
Alive and scarred with so much suffering,
every gift a torture.
cutting deep into my mind,
and reminding me,
that something worse than death existed.
And that,
was being alive.
Alive to live through all the horrors of life.
Like the one happening now.
My only regret,
not confessing that I truly love you.
Now I am left empty.
Hollow,
Suffering,and with my heart in pieces all over the floor.
Time will help it heal,
but that will never heal the empty feeling I have inside me...
Well,
as long as your happy.
Your happiness is important to me.
In the end,
I caused my own pain,
and lost something very important,
you...
I am hollow,
Because I lost that part of me that I gave to you.
My heart...
But I will rise,
Because a benefit from living,
is knowing that,
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
And I was left alive.
Alive,
hollow,
in suffering,
but stronger.
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Considering how horrifying it was for me, I'd be lucky if I was hollow inside at the time as opposed to throwing up gallons of water. So trust me when I say this, go get another girlfriend or just swim with the fishes. Though the second alternative will kick you right in the balls and wake you from your heart broke depression.
And I'm sorry that happened to you. I don't exactly know what it's like to nearly drown, and it must have been quite an emotional thing to go through, but pain, suffering, and fear can come in many forms, and even if it's a small amount, that doesn't change what it is. So don't try to tell people a worse experience to make them feel like what they're going through is nothing. Because it isn't. But I appreciate that you are trying to make me feel better (I think???)
If you want to vent, talk it through with your parent or real friends. Not broadcast it on the internet where people could give what could be more harmful words to you.
But as to why I decided to make my response so aggresive was because when somebody combines poetry with mellow dramatic girl problems and compares it with "slowly dieing," It not only compelled me to tell you what slowly dieing meant for me, but how you should look up what real problems in life are and that this is the least of your worries.
So yes, I could have been more polite in the sense, but you know, at the time, I was venting my feelings about your poem on you. Which doesn't sound very nice but you could learn a thing or two about the bad things in life anyways.
All in all, I am trying to snap you out of it, granted it takes time, but nothing is more progressive than an extreme action.
Hope you get over this girlfriend business buddy, you've got at least 4 more to play around with before you start worrying about divorce in marriage.
I find it funny that you call it a "girl problem". It's not like guys do the same thing. It's just that most handle it differently or don't show it.
Although I do admit it was a bit mellow dramatic, but hey, like I said, I was really down because it was something that was big to me. You don't even know what exactly happened, what I've been through in life, and who I am.
And all I was trying to signify was that this was something that effected me greatly and that I felt like I was dying emotionally on the inside.
I know what a real problem in life is, but that doesn't change how I felt about the whole thing. And don't you tell me about learning about the bad things in life. I've learned more than enough already. Really.
Anyway I appreciate the thought of trying to "snap me out of it". Really, I do. And it's a boyfriend problem. Not a girl. I'm gay.
And I don't even know how to respond to "4 more to play around with". You make it sound like relationships are just a game you play around with.
As for the "4 more to play around with," it was supposed to mean that you experiment abit more. It's hard to know what people look for in others, and it's especially hard to know what love is. It takes experience to prepare for marriage and such. Hence the approximation.
But relationships can be games (mind games especially). Like Wars to be more exact. The difference being in the tactics, battlefield, goal and losses. Might apply differently though since women play hard to get.
For the record though, you vented what would be a rather small thing in comparison to the big things. Which was why I assumed you might needed to know that there are bigger issues.
Your icon makes abit more sense now (rainbow background) and good job on the poem. You wrote it without indicating which gender the person was. Which I appreciate, since others might take the poem differently had it been done with he's/she's.
It's ok, I didnt know that's what you meant by girl problem.
And I can see what you mean by "4 more". Yeah, sometimes, it takes a few before finally getting it right and being with the right person.
And I completely understand what you mean by games now. It's just that, at first, you made it sound like it all was just A game where it was just something to mess around with without much handle or care.
And your right, IN COMPARISON to other things, I can see why you would think this is small. But at the time, it was just something that impacted me greatly. I have spent nearly 2 years with this person, so yeah.
Anyway, thanks again for appreciating that aspect of my poem.
And once again, thanks.